Taking off the mask

Mask

noun  

a covering for all or part of the face, worn to conceal one's identity.

Masks. Whether we admit it or not we all wear them to conceal the parts of our identity we'd rather not let the world see. Unfortunately, the very thing that could bring us the healing and growth we need in those hidden areas of our lives is the very thing we are unwilling to do: open, honest acknowledgement of our deepest flaws and wounds.    

Out of curiousity, I posed a question to facebook to get some observations from others about how they'd describe me.  Here's some of the responses I received:

Enthused, proud, funny, compassionate, committed to your faith/God and your family.

Witty! Handsome. Charming. Charismatic. Fun! Great dad. Stubborn. Messy!

Intellectual, hard-working, resourceful, while sometimes over anxious, worrisome, yet cool headed.

A walking encyclopedia.

Newscaster, try to inform FB friends about everything.

A good friend once cautioned me about my dangerous "combination of confidence and charm."  I'm not disputing those descriptions of me.  They are, however, the perception that those individuals have of me.  But what if you really knew me?  What if I took off the masks that I wear?  Let's find out.

If you really knew me, you'd know:

I abhor conflict.  My conflict-avoidance means that if I know someone is upset with me, I'll avoid them if at all possible, even when I know those people love me.  Twice in my life, I've quit jobs by simply not-showing-up, because I couldn't bring myself to tell someone I was quitting.

When I was eight, my mom left one day and didn't come back for years.  When I was 21, my fiancee, the girl I'd wanted to marry since I was 12 broke up with me.  Those two events shaped who I am today.  In many ways, I'm still that scared young man afraid of being abandoned again.  Because of those things, as a defense mechanism I started internalizing everything.  But while most people could count on one hand the times they've ever seen me cry, I cry almost daily over something I read, something I hear, something I feel.  Every. Single.  Day.  Alone.  

For all the "confidence and charm" some people seem to see in me, I have the capability of being unbelievably insecure.  Fear and insecurity are powerful motivators, and often motivate me to make poor choices.

I've battled depression for large portions of my adult life and rarely acknowledged it.  That doesn't fit my "fun-loving, outgoing" persona.

I have a need to control every situation.  I'll often go out of my way to manipulate, steer, cajole, convince someone to do what I want, while convincing myself I have nothing but the best of intentions.  If I can't control it, I'll probably avoid it.  My grandmother, the woman who raised me, has been devastated by parkinson's and I can't fix that...and that's something I can't process, so I bury it.  I avoid it.  

I'm desperate to be liked, to be loved, by others, and inside I long to be the center of attention. Combine that with my fear of being abandoned, and I'll go to great, sometimes extreme lengths to feel loved.  I've neglected those who have been most loyal to me for the sake of earning the love and attention of those who are not.  Emotionally and physically that has even meant seeking that love where I should not.  It doesn't matter who gets hurt, so long as I get what I want.  

I lie awake at night, unable to sleep, afraid of dying.  Not because I'm afraid of death, I'm not - not even a little bit.  I know where I'm going and sometimes I long to be there.  I'm scared of leaving my kids without a father, because I know what it means not to have my father in my life.  Though I put on a strong appearance about that, and most days I am content with never having my father in my life, it's just one more thing I can't control, and that eats at me.

I want what I can't have and I'm never happy with what I do have.  My fear and insecurity drive me to do things that hurt others, even those I love the most.

I hide all of this with my masks, because I'm someone with a public persona, a ministry, and people like me aren't allowed to be flawed.  Just ask me.  We're not.

My name is Christopher Scott Mowery and now you know the real me.

But, thank God, that's not the end of the story.  If it were, I wouldn't have shared it.  This is a story of hope.  When we take off the mask, and let people see the "real" us, THAT is where real, authentic healing can take place.  Will there be judgmental people?  Yes.  Some of you reading this may have already judged me.  I get that.  I share these things, not so people can feel bad for me, or because in some misguided way I want people to think less of me.  I share them because I'm guessing one or more of the things I mentioned - well maybe that's you too.  

One of my favorite Scriptures comes from Colossians and it talks about the attitude we should have toward others:

Since I've still got a little bit of that preacher in me, I thought I'd pass along a couple points worth remembering. Things I still need reminded of every single day.

1) Every experience, every relationship, every triumph and every failure have made you the person you are today.  Don't run from your past or your present.  Own it.  Meet the challenges you face head on and overcome them.  These things have uniquely equipped you to walk alongside others who are going through similar circumstances.

2) When we wear masks, everybody loses.  When I leave my masks on, I lose because I can't heal the way I need to, and nobody can come alongside me when they don't know what I'm going through. When you wear a mask, I can't help you heal, I can't bear the burden with you.  Let's stop the masquerade.  Be authentic, be real, be broken, be healed. If people walk away when you stumble, better people will come alongside you.  The ones you really need.

3) There is no such thing as "too" broken.  Holy cow have I messed up.  If you confronted the 20 year old me with the things I've done in the past 18 years, I'd have told you that you were crazy and had the wrong guy.  I'd also have told  you that anybody who had done the things I've done wasn't worth a whole lot to his family or the world.  Thank God, my opinion isn't the one that matters.  I have people in my life who love me unconditionally, and a God who loves me as His child, no matter what.   You matter to someone, and you are needed in this world - with every flaw, every blemish, every wart, every scar.  You are not beyond repair.

4) Not everybody sins the way you do.  I haven't uttered any significant swear word in probably 18 years.  For a long time I would get really irritated when people would swear around me.  Because I didn't struggle with that.  But guess what?  Plenty of people have never struggled with pornography.  I did.  Many people have never avoided dealing with things like I sometimes do. Your weaknesses and mine are not the same.  Or maybe they are.  We are all flawed.  We are all scarred.  Some of us just have flaws and scars that are a little easier to see.  Please, I beg you, understand and love people before you condemn their lifestyle, their sins.  The night before he went to the cross, Jesus thought this was important enough to pass along to His disciples.  

5)  Forgive.  For more on this, please scroll down and read my blog on forgiveness.  The bottom line is this:  forgive yourself, and forgive others.  No ifs, ands, or buts.  Don't wait for apologies, don't wait for restitution.  Make a conscious, intentional choice to forgive.  Hanging on to anger, condemnation, bitterness, resentment can only poison your heart and mind.  This has to be non-negotiable.  Forgive, then let it go.  Let go of the right to get even.  The right to be angry.

My hope in taking off my mask and exposing a little bit of the ugly scars underneath is that you will be encouraged to do the same.  My friends, my family, I'm here.  If you need someone to walk alongside you as you bare your scars, it would be my honor to do so.  If not me, then someone.  Don't hide in shame any longer.  And don't just listen to my story.  Here are some others.  If you've got 12 minutes, check this video out. This is the theme song of my life right now.  I'm trying so hard to learn this. He knows my name.  That's enough.  That has to always be enough.